Dear Over-dressed Shopper:
I’m not sure what your motivation is, but I wish you would just stop it. You know who you are. You have on your designer jeans—in an attempt to appear casual—but then you’re wearing high heels and enough jewelry to make Mr. T look understated. Your rhinestone-studded T-shirt isn’t fooling me either. I’ve seen them in the trendy boutiques and know it costs ten times what I paid for my plain, faded T (which conveniently came from a store where you can also buy the detergent to wash it).
Your hair is freshly washed and styled, and it’s a safe bet you never let your child use your sleeve as an impromptu tissue. Not only do you carry a fashionable handbag, you have the wallet to match and a coordinating key fob. I can tell by the weight of my homemade sling bag if I’ve remembered my wallet (also purchased at the Red Bull’s-eye), and if it’s really heavy, then chances are I’ve managed to bring my cell phone. An ultra-heavy bag means I’m probably toting the remains of someone’s snack or an assortment of Happy Meal toys.
Just so you know, Ms. Fancy Pants, when the What-Not-To-Wear people or Oprah’s make-over team decide to swoop down upon an unsuspecting shopper and offer the re-do to-die-for, it’s going to be me they pounce on, not you, sister. I am the poster woman for a “before” shot that makes an audience shake their heads in wonder. Do you really want the odds swinging so far in my favor? I would think not.
So, leave your make-up at home in the drawer where it belongs. Save the manicures for the hand models and the highlights for the high-schoolers. Join me in the Land of Dowdy. It’s much more comfortable here.