Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Putting the Va back in Vacations

Last summer, when gas prices skyrocketed, we were all encouraged to conserve fuel and money and enjoy ‘stay-cations’—kinda like a vacation except you never really went anywhere. And consequently, didn’t really have much fun. Because honestly, who wants to be a tourist in your own town? Isn’t the whole idea behind ‘getting away from it all’ actually getting away? Far away?

On the ride to soccer practice the other evening, my son and I started musing about other vacations-that-aren’t-really-vacations. This is what we came up with.

Destination: any place that has a barn, some chickens and maybe pigs or a cow or two. Possibly some goats.
Pack: overalls, work boots, chewin’ tobaccy and a trucker hat.
Car-tunes: Toby Keith, Rascal Flatts and Kellie Pickler

Destination: anywhere you can escape to within a day’s drive.
Pack: a cooler of food for lunch. No need for a suitcase; you’ll be home before bedtime.
Car-tunes: a book on CD, abridged.

Destination: pricey antique stores, quaint independent booksellers, trendy bars and coffee shops in either Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine or New Hampshire.
Pack: anything designer and expensive, but not a lot because you’ll be shopping extensively.
Car-tunes: Cher: The Farewell Concert, Girl in a Coma and Coldplay

Destination: Game Preserve
Pack: pith helmet, khakis, OFF! and a 12-gauge.
Car-tunes: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Destination: Tent Revivals in the Deep South
Pack: Bible—King James version, a fan courtesy of a local funeral home and snake-proof gloves.
Car-tunes: Pat Boone (before he went Metal) and The Winans

Destination: BINGO halls, casinos, cemeteries and Miami, Florida
Pack: muumuus, high-waist trousers, support hose, Depends, orthopedic shoes, Aqua Net and Fixodent.
Car-tunes: Bing Crosby, Benny Goodman and Tommy Dorsey

Destination: Six Flags, Disney World and Silver Dollar City
Pack: sunscreen, tennis shoes, running shorts and matching brightly colored T-shirts (in case y’all get separated)
Car-tunes: Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers

So, what did you do to escape this summer?


Joan Mora said...

You guys are nothing but hilarious. I think you should pitch a new reality TV show with your home-grown comedians. I'd watch.

Anonymous said...

You 'tards forgot The Village People and Queen for Gay-cations.

Pamela Hammonds said...

This morning's episode would have featured the 17-year-old out in the back yard in his underwear with a butcher knife and a watermelon (that was too ripe). He kept throwing chunks up in the air while swiping at the pieces as they fell, cutting them in midair. Then he asked if he could buy a samurai sword on eBay. How many more days until school starts?

Wila said...

Call me Miss Tag On but don't forget Bay-cations with bikinis, snorkles, fins and Jimmy Buffet in the background. Nay-cations when your husband brings the laptop and continues to work and complains the music is too loud, Lay-cations--okay totally improper to mention on your blog but I don't think the husband brought the laptop and Barry White is on!

Pamela Hammonds said...

Ben also came up with Neigh-cations--riding horses...and May-cations--where you take the kids out of school early to beat the crowds at touristy hot-spots...but I cut him off. At some point, it's just silly.

I like yours, Wila. Nay-cations are definitely not fun.

Elizabeth Lynd said...

Funny! But you forgot a couple...


Destination: Atlantic City; the deli; Great-Aunt Bibi's
Pack: some for later
Tunes: Hava Nagila; anything by Barbra


Destination: your bedroom, kids have been sent to the pool for the afternoon. What? There's a lifeguard! (I think.)
Pack: Nothing. Or maybe some wine, whipped cream, handcuffs, whatever floats your boat. Or nothing.
Tunes: Depends on your mood. Barry White, anyone?